5 Ways You Can Help Support My Bi-racial Sons

We just got home from a discussion at our church about racism and race issues, both in our country and church. My brain is spinning with all that was talked about and since I hadn't blogged yet today, I thought this would be the perfect thing to write about right now. 

I want to be very clear before I start, that none of these points are directed at any specific person, or group of people. They are just things we have experienced in general, or know friends of color have experienced. We want to help educate people because when we know better, we do better. One thing that my husband mentioned tonight is that so many people just think "I know I'm not racist, and racial issues don't affect me, so, whatever" and have that sort of mentality, which can be harmful. I'm certainly not pointing any fingers because I used to do that exact thing. Sometimes ignorance can be hurtful and harmful and affect people we love. I don't want to come across as deeply offended, or harsh. I say all of these things out of love, for my sons, for my friends and to educate those who simply don't know better yet. I also want to say that although I am specifically talking about my sons here, you can apply these ideas elsewhere. 

1. Please try to refrain from touching my son's hair out of curiosity. I am not referring to a loving pat on the head that you would give to any child. I am talking about coming up, running your fingers through his curls and commenting on how you've always wondered what "this kind" of hair feels like. (Yes, this happens...often). I know the heart behind most people who do this, however, I never want my son to feel like he's on display or that his body is open to anyone to touch. I understand curiosity about things you are unfamiliar with. Instead of touching his hair, you can compliment him on how beautiful it is, or you can ask me about his hair. I love it and would love to tell you how I take care of it! Another reason this can be a problem is because of the time and effort I put into caring for his hair. One person coming up and giving his hair a good tousle can really mess it up for the day, which can be frustrating. I know most people don't know what it is like to care for hair like this, so I know it's not malicious in any way. 

2. Please do not label or group my children based on their race. Labeling them with words like mulatto (here is an explanation on why this term is offensive) is hurtful. Asking me "so...what are they?" could certainly be reworded. Grouping them with people who look like them only because of the fact that they look alike is not right. Certainly, if they are playing with other children with brown skin that is completely fine. I am talking about intentionally placing them in a group only because of their race. 

3. Please do not make assumptions about my sons based on their race. Assuming that they will play a specific sport because "their people" (not my words) do, or assuming they have a specific behavior because another child of the same race does is unfair to them. Just as you would not want me to project the behaviors of another child or the aspirations of a teenager with similarities to your child, onto your child, I also don't want you to do so to mine. We hope and pray that people will see "the content of their character."

4. Please ask me or my husband questions! We are constantly learning and want to help others to do the same. We love having open dialogue with people who have a heart for all people and want to know better and do better. If you aren't sure if something is offensive, please ask or research it! 

5. Please talk to your children about race! Have a plethora of books and toys with lots of diversity. Answer their questions honestly, and encourage them to see and celebrate the differences in other people! I used to say I was "color blind" in saying that I didn't "see" race because I love all people, when really what I should have said is that I do see differences in people and I love them and celebrate those differences, no matter what they are.

I am so thankful for all of the many, many people who love and support my sons and our family, and I hope my heart is evident in this post! I know this can be a sensitive topic for some people. I was once in a place where I didn't know these things, but now that I do, I want to pass on my knowledge in hopes that more people can learn and grow. 

z2-age 2.5

This post is all about my curly haired sweet boy. 

He was the second born twin, but much larger than his brother at 3 lbs 6 oz. I still don't know their lengths, but since the post on his brother, I found out what times they were born and this buddy was born at 8:57 p.m., 2 minutes after his brother. 

This little boy has the softest skin I have ever felt in my life. I think all of my kids (and kids in general) have really soft skin, but nothing holds a candle to his. I don't understand how it is so soft.

He is super affectionate. He loves to be held and snuggled, and he doesn't care who its by. He loves anyone and everyone and has never met a stranger. People think this is so cute, but it's actually quite problematic. I believe that his willingness to go to absolutely anyone is a product of foster care-he was expected to go with any random stranger who showed up at our door, and it makes me sad that it has affected him the way it has. We are working hard on this, but it is hard to break because he is so sweet and cute that everyone loves him and loves when he comes to them. 

He loves his sisters so much, and thinks he can do what ever they do. It is cute how he thinks he's so much older than he actually is. 

This boy is 10000000% obsessed with trucks. And I mean OBSESSED. Trash days are HUGE at our house because of all the trash trucks coming by. When we are in the car and pass any kind of truck-construction truck, pickup, semi, any kind of thing that remotely resembles a truck, etc.-he SCREAMS "guk guk guk" over and over and over and over. So, basically all the time we are in the car ;) 

He is the biggest helper. He LOVES to do anything that he thinks is remotely helpful! 

He is also semi OCD about things being in their place. If we leave a cabinet door open, he HAS to shut it. It's usually helpful, except when we are trying to unload groceries or something, and purposely leaving doors open and he keeps closing them for us! 

I think he will be a little caretaker. He loves to give and receive hugs, kisses and snuggles. He also loves taking care of a baby doll and from a very young age he has played with one and taken care of it so sweetly. He also loves to comfort his sisters when they are sad or hurt. 

He is such a finicky sleeper, and that has been hard. He goes through phases often where he just hardly sleeps. He will wake up 2 hours early in the morning, not nap and fall asleep hours after we put him to bed. And it goes on for weeks. 

He is also quite a picky eater. He used to eat everything I'd put in front of him, like his brother, but now he is super, super picky. He has never liked bread type things which I find funny because who doesn't love carbs?! But then he likes random things like pickles. 

This kid has a SCREAM on him. Oh man. He went through about a 14+ or so month phase where he did this high pitched scream about every.thing. It was hard on my ears. I am glad that phase has ended, but the scream still comes out occasionally. And when he doesn't like something, he will let you KNOW. There was also a phase with the bath, where he would scream bloody murder, like I'm talking I was afraid a neighbor would hear and report us because of how loud it was! And then the second he got out he'd be 100% fine!  (He did that with this 4 wheeler. Oh.the.drama. He acted like his arm got chopped off when it was all the way across the giant yard, nowhere close to him. And as you can see, he ended up loving it and didn't want to get off.) 

He absolutely loves being outside! He would probably stay out all day every day if I'd let him. He figured out how to ride a little trike and a scooter completely on his own (we had to teach the girls how to pedal so we were surprised when he just did it)!

 He can be quite the dare devil. He'll sit down on the scooter and FLY down the driveway and turn at just the last second to go into the grass. He loves piling up the couch cushions on the floor and jumping on to them. 

He is SUPER silly, and he knows he is. He cracks himself up regularly. 

 

Like his brother, he also receives speech therapy, and has for over a year. He has some delays that we are hoping and praying he can overcome. I think he also has some weird sensory stuff, but nothing huge enough to qualify for therapy on that. He is very particular about the way his body moves. Unlike most kids I know, he has hated being put upside down, or spun around, or tossed up into the air playfully. This surprised me for the longest time because of how wild he is otherwise. 

This guy can give a serious mean mug. When he's not impressed with you his side/stink eye will be out in full force. It's pretty impressive, really. 

His name has several meanings, but it is generally referred to as a synonym for the Promised Land. His middle name is a family name which can mean "beam of light" or "kingly". My hope and prayer for my son is that he will seek first the Promised Land and will be a beam of Christ's light while on this earth, always pointing himself and others back to our King. 

Thoughts About Adoption & Foster Care From Children

My girls always have a lot of thoughts to offer about foster care and adoption. We tried to be really open and honest with them (at an age appropriate level) throughout the whole process, and I love hearing them talk about it. Today, I asked them just to talk to me about anything they wanted regarding foster care or adoption, and I wrote out what they said. Some of it doesn't make sense and some of it is super random, but here it is, unedited :) My comments are in parenthesis. Out of the mouths of babes.

c2-age 4.5

"I like foster care. I know that people have to look for those kids to find another family to live with and they have to stay on track (the social workers) so that they can find the right parents. And they technically (yes, she actually said 'technically') have to find the right family that matches with the kid, so if it's a grumpy kid it has to be a grumpy parent (LOL! No idea where she got this but I'm cracking up!) and if its a happy kid it has to be a happy parent. I know that there's as much kids as there is now as there is with parents who don't have any kids (I'm not sure exactly what she means). In foster care there's  stuff for kids to do. But I don't know if there might be a lot exactly. But there is fun things for kids to do there (in foster care). It's a safe place for kids when they're looking for parents. And they can find nice and peaceful homes (oh my heart...). There's lots of toys at these homes that they find and they find, um, nice parents and parents that have to take time but they always play with their kids when they ask. And they always have nice parents and helpful parents and love-ful (loving ;) ) parents. Sometimes they have brothers and sisters at their foster home to play with. And they find new brothers and sisters at the home that they have been blessed with (OMG I'm obsessed with her) and they find love ful sisters and brothers and they find happy parents. 

Sometimes their birth parents don't do the right thing with them and they don't always take care of them in the right way. But those parents still love them and birth parents feel bad for what they did. 

I like adoption and foster care because foster care workers are nice people and they choose the right parents. I like having foster brothers and now real brothers. I like how playful they are and stuff." 

c1-age 6

"At court there was a lot of people watching me (she is referring to the boys adoption day) and my mom I think was maybe embarrassed (I asked her about this after we were done talking, and she thought I was embarrassed because I had {happy} tears in my eyes. I guess she read that as embarrassment when it was really me just trying to hold myself together). 

It made me feel happy that we got to adopt Z and Z. And my brothers like to talk and scream a lot. At the adoption my brothers, when everybody was looking at them, they were holding keys and they were very noisy. 

When I was a foster sister, some of the times I would need to help Z when he was feeling sad or got hurt sometimes. And being a foster sister I had to wait a lot and then I finally got to be a REAL SISTER! And I love the boys very much! And we had to wait for a long time. It was hard to wait. Once I even sang a song about it. When the boys were 1 year old, they would dress up in these cute red with stars suits with hoods with ears and they would wait in their carseats and sometimes I would tell them stories and then (birth mom's name) bought them this little purple monster with lots of green legs and they had to share it. They were going to a visit with their mom (when they were in the car seats) and sometimes Brandon (social worker) would come to pick them up. And Brooke (social worker) came to pick them up, too. When they would come home, sometimes they would fall asleep. And workers that would come to our house their names would be Bri or Laura. They would come to see how the boys were doing and play and then a different lady came and she was helping the boys to talk and she brought toys a lot and then me and my sister would play in our room when they were doing that. I really like foster care and I really like adoption. I like that Z has puffy cheeks (lol) and I like that (other Z) likes to help with my chores to feed Oscar (our dog). I like to have more siblings in our family. Love, C"

Courtroom B

I have sat inside the 4 walls of Courtroom B more times than I'd like to count over the last 20 months. 

Courtroom B is the room where I have felt the greatest spectrum of emotions in my entire life. I have felt anger, sadness, despair, helplessness, hopelessness, hope, joy, heartbreak, frustration, defeat, appreciation, gratitude, devastation, shock, terror, outrage, and satisfaction-all in Courtroom B.

In Courtroom B, I have met a lot of people.

 I met my sons' birth mother for the first time in Courtroom B. I met their brother in Courtroom B.

 I met my sons' brother's adoptive mom in Courtroom B and found one of the greatest supports I could have imagined over the last year and a half through her. I met my sons' extended relatives there. I met social workers there.

I met lawyers there.

I met the judge who rules in Courtroom B, and who would decide the fate of an entire family right there in that room.

I met people who would fight for the boys,

and people who would unintentionally seek to ruin their lives. My life will never be the same because of Courtroom B. 

In that room I have sat and taken meticulous notes on my sons, their case, and their history. I have whispered to my closest foster care ally as we tried to figure out what things meant for this set of brothers and their lives.

I have shared updates on my sons. I have fought against human services, and I have fought with human services. All in Courtroom B. 

I have listened as social workers fought for the best interest of my sons, and I have wept in frustration as social workers did not. I have watched a woman defend herself and fight to keep her sons, and I have watched in heartbreak as everyone else said "no." 

I have supported reunification in Courtroom B, and I have supported termination of parental rights in Courtroom B. I have spent the last 20 months supporting whatever was in my sons' best interest at that time. 

I have heard details that would shock you in Courtroom B. I have heard my children labeled with words that would devastate you in Courtroom B. I have heard particulars about my sons' start in life that broke my heart and made me wish I could have been there. I have thanked God that He allowed me to take care of them for however long He willed, right there in Courtroom B.

 I watched and cried and celebrated in Courtroom B as my sons' brother was adopted by a wonderful family, and our families were intertwined forever. I whispered to my sons that it was their turn next.

As I took the stand in Courtroom B and promised to love and care for my sons as if they were born to me, for the rest of their lives, it occurred to me that another woman took this same stand and sat in the exact seat I sat in and eventually lost rights to the two children I was promising to love. I take no joy in the fact that another mother had to lose sons in order for me to gain sons. As I sat in Courtroom B, I thought back to the night, almost 1 year ago, when that mother called me and asked me to adopt the sons she knew she was going to lose. I thought of what defeat she must have felt, and how humble she had to be to call on me and ask that of me. I thought of the privilege I have been given not only to love her sons, but to love her, too.

I sat at a table in Courtroom B last month, and listened as the judge declared these boys my sons, and gave them my last name, and I thought of all of the events, of both extremes, that have taken place there. I thought of how much my sons have endured without yet knowing it.

I have felt God's love and presence in Courtroom B more than ever. I have been reminded that His love for my sons is greater than my own. I have been reminded that HE is ultimately in control, not the judge, not the social workers. 

Last month I walked in to Courtroom B for hopefully the last time in my life.

I walked in legally being the mother of 2, and walked out legally being the mother of 4.

I was reminded of the joy we had in every step of the journey, because of Christ. Everywhere that there was devastation, there was also joy.

Jesus has had His hand on my sons' lives. It's the only explanation I have for the way the last 2 1/2 years have gone. The only one. Jesus is and will always be present in Courtroom B, and I hope and pray that although my time is done, many others will be near to Him in that place. 

Courtroom B: you've given me a journey I never asked for but one that I will always cherish. 

Thank you to my precious friend, Megan, for these beautiful photos that perfectly capture the boys' special day. Thank you to all of our family, friends, lawyers and social workers who have supported and loved Z & Z, who fought for their well being and who did not give up on them.